תיענו,צררנו,מרדנו

We have gone astray; We have caused our friends grief; We have rebelled against God and His Torah

When I started writing this blog over six and a half years ago, I did so because I thought it would help me come to terms with finally making my move to Israel. I had a pretty good idea of what I was signing up for, but I still felt the need to verbalize my thoughts to sort out all the opinions and emotions along the way.

I did not intend for anyone to read it, and I never really pushed it. I do appreciate those of you who have, and especially the encouraging words to continue.

As time has gone on, I have found it harder to write. This is for several reasons. Firstly, there is so much going on in my life that the thoughts come too fast and become irrelevant by the time I may decide to write. The other is that I have clearly been very depressed lately.

I do not consider myself someone who has clinical depression, I just sometimes get to a place of sadness that is very difficult to get out of.

And it is selfish.

The truth is I have so many wonderful things happening in my life that I should just be grateful and happy, and yet I can’t.

I went to visit my mother today. That was a bit sad. When I drove away, I mentioned to my wife how driving around the old neighborhood (where we used to live as well), all I saw was ghosts—people and memories long gone.

She asked, "Why don’t I focus on all the good things we experienced while living here?" I answered, "I couldn’t, those are not the memories that pop up."

Whenever I get in a rut like this, I try to analyze what the underlying issue is. I am not sure there is one specific thing, but I think that I have come to realize what is going on.

In July, my daughter-in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and at the end of the month, my daughter got married. No person deserves so many blessings in a single month, and yet I cannot enjoy it.

Part of it is Holocaust-related. I am always waiting for that other shoe to drop. For the bad thing to happen.

But this is different, and I just realized what it is.

A week ago, a good friend asked me to explain what is going on in Israel today. Although he is very knowledgeable about Israel (for an American), he was confused by everything he was reading.

I tried to explain, and in a nutshell, I said that Israel was breaking; they are breaking the country.

I believe this with all my heart and soul, and I am helpless to do anything about it.

I don’t think this is an exaggeration or hyperbole; they are breaking it.

Who are they?

The politicians.

Both sides are to blame. Lapid, Gantz, and the crew because they used the language of hate and demagoguery to express differences. They enlisted outsiders (the USA and Europeans) to interject in an issue that has nothing to do with them. Some of them encouraged army volunteers to stop serving.

But Bibi is the main protagonist. He is the smartest of them and should know better. He saw where this was leading, and he forged and continues to forge ahead anyway.

All to stay out of jail.

I have a lot more to say about on this issue, but writing this has been very difficult. It is not just the problems; it is that I cannot see the solution. I am a very black-and-white person. I have always had a hard time seeing the gray.

I no longer read the news as in-depth as I used to for fear of what I might read. I have avoided the many podcasts and blogs I listen to. These people are much smarter and articulate than me, and they are hurting.

Today I decided to catch up, and I learned a few things.

Firstly, I am not the only one who says Israel is broken. I did not read that before, but clearly, I am not alone in this thought.

I also learned the source of my depression.

Daniel Gordis, who is, in my opinion, one of the most articulate modern thinkers in Israel today, attached a link for a song that is going viral in Israel. While listening to it, I started to cry.

I am not a crier. I have cried five, now six times in my adult life. I remember each one clearly. Some have been out of happiness, most not.

Today I cried, and I couldn’t stop.

It wasn’t just the song. I realized this has been building up for a while. I have been silent when I should be speaking more, but the sadness is overwhelming, and now I know why.

What started out as protests against changes to the judicial system, ended up unleashing all the hate and bile that has been festering below the surface for a long time. I am guilty of this as well.

Sometimes this can be a good thing. It clears the air.

In Israel, it has polluted it.

The split in Israeli society is, in my opinion, much worse than the split in the USA.

The USA is a great melting pot. The one that anyone from anywhere can see themselves rising to the top.

It is for everyone.

Israel is the homeland of the Jewish people.

We only have one.

And we broke it.

If you wish to watch the video , it can be found here. Please watch the whole thing

I don't hate you