Mr. President, on Behalf of Hamas, we Thank You, We wouldn't be Here Without You

Live from the war in, sort of occupied, Gaza, Day 182

We believe that a person who is in his 80s and the leader of the free world should use his remaining time on this planet to finalize his legacy, and Mr. President, you have.

After returning to the JCPOA, you enabled our patron, Iran, to free up valuable resources in order to help fund global jihad. Of course, we were a major beneficiary of this largesse, and it enabled us to produce tens of thousands of rockets and build a tunnel network larger than the London Tube. While the world was indignant about the crippling blockade imposed by the Zionists, because of your largesse, we had no trouble getting what we needed. Now we are steps from a major victory and you are one of the main reasons.

Please don’t feel that you should get all the credit. UNRWA has been instrumental in teaching our children how to hate and murder Jews while also  giving good-paying jobs to many of our members. Their benefits are really good, and you should share some of the credit with them.

We also have to thank the World Health Organization for being kind enough to pay for our electric bills for all these years while we built command centers under most of the hospitals they run. Even after the Zionists removed us, they allowed us back in. Almost 800 of us. Unfortunately, the Zionists found us. This was a minor setback, and, encouraged by the WHO, the world continues to condemn the Zionists for firing on a hospital. They have been great and deserve our gratitude.

We must admit, President Biden, at the start of our glorious operation, you did have us worried. You deterred our friends in Hezbollah from joining the fray, and you told the world that we must go. You convinced people to question our made-up casualty numbers, which really made us look bad. You were supporting the haters, and it made us nervous. We really thought you meant it. Praise Allah you didn't.

We guess we really didn’t realize two things. One is your visceral hate of the Zionist pig Netanyahu. Sure, most of the Zionists hate him as well, but you are actually trying to overthrow him. Props to you. One could almost think that your reversal on Israel is something personal, and you are willing to send a whole country to perpetual war, just for spite, and we thought we could hold a grudge.

The other thing is we really didn’t know how many fans we had around the world and how many of them are your voters. Wow, what a great feeling. It is good to know that people get it. Finally, they understand that we do not want a two-state solution and that we have no intention of making peace with the Zionists. We will not stop until every Jew is eliminated.

From river to sea, baby.

Between us, we were almost done. From the beginning, the Zionists figured out we were using aid convoys to smuggle weapons in, and they started to check the convoys. We also took control of most of the food that came in and may have started a bit of a famine, but that’s a good thing. The whole world, including you, now blames the Jews for this. Your base, backed up by everyone at the UN, was yelling about an imminent famine (for the last two months), so you decided to push Bibi to provide more aid. The Zionists were resistant, and you started to call for a ceasefire, but you were still blaming us. We thought we would have to release some hostages on a 40-to-one basis. Not a great return on our investment, but we were running out of options.

Then you did us a solid. You pushed the UN Security Council to pass a resolution calling for an immediate ceasefire. They also asked us to release the hostages, but the issues weren’t linked, and everyone knew we wouldn’t do it anyway. We were about to make a deal and release some hostages. We had no choice, it was almost over but we got your message, and so we rejected the deal and are now sticking with all of our demands. We like how you tried to tell everyone that we rejected the deal before the UN vote, but of course, everyone knew the vote was coming for days.

Well played.

Even with the passing of this resolution, those Jews refused to yield. What chutzpah. Fortunately, the Zionists messed up and accidentally killed some aid workers. Also, fortunately, although innocents get killed in war, people hate Bibi so much, they are more indignant than ever. Imagine what would have happened if people got as pissed at the USA when they withdrew from Afghanistan and bombed 10 civilians by accident. You even killed 7 kids. You didn’t apologize, like the weak Zionists, for weeks.

Due to this Zionist error, all your bottled-up hatred of this son of pigs, Netanyahu, has come out. Now you don’t place any blame on us for anything that is happening in Gaza. We couldn’t ask for more. The aid is picking up and we even got to shoot some rockets indiscriminately into Israel for the first time in months last night. We were negotiating another truce, but why bother? We know you have our back.

So, we want to thank you for all your help and support of late. May Allah grant you a long life. Meanwhile, we will take care of the Zionists. Of course, when this is done, you’re next, but don’t worry about it, you most likely won't be around to see it.